The Jokes thread

Everything non-WOK related should go in here.

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Egbert
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Post by Egbert » Wed Oct 15, 2003 3:15 pm

:roll:

Good ones, though!
"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Egbert
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Post by Egbert » Thu Feb 12, 2004 8:28 pm

(In honor of my love for the Irish guys playing WOK............. :wink: )

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. " 'Scuse
me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"What was that all about?"
"Nothin'," said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Egbert
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Post by Egbert » Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:08 pm

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and
begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how
could you tell?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Allister Fiend
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Post by Allister Fiend » Wed Feb 25, 2004 12:30 am

:lol:


That's a pretty good one.

Allister
Oh no!!! I'm out of those important papers.......

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Post by Egbert » Thu Mar 11, 2004 8:23 pm

Happy St. Patrick's Day. :)


Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid-sentence and says, "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"
"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Post by Lord Fredo » Sun Apr 04, 2004 7:40 am

I thought it was about time I posted something here and given that I'm a teacher I thought the following was well suited.

Why English is so hard to learn

* The insurace was invalid for the invalid.

* The bandage was wound around the wound.

* The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

* The farm was used to produce produce.

* I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

* I didn't object to the object.

* There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

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Post by Lardmaster » Sun Apr 04, 2004 11:48 am

Two chickens walking down the street. One of them starts to cross the road, the other grabs him and says "Are you mad?????? You'll never hear the end of it!!!!!!!"
Question everything.

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Post by Donut » Thu Apr 15, 2004 1:53 am

What kinda Bees make Milk?

Donut
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Allister Fiend
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Post by Allister Fiend » Thu Apr 15, 2004 2:28 am

BOOBEES! :lol:
Oh no!!! I'm out of those important papers.......

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Coolant
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Post by Coolant » Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:05 am

US Naval Communication

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Coolant "The Cold"

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Coolant
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Logic...

Post by Coolant » Sun Apr 18, 2004 4:12 am

For all the logical people:

But but but...no Santa? Sniff.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there
are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which
only Father Christmas has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT
since Father Christmas doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes
there's at least one good child in each.

3) Father Christmas has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to
the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Father Christmas has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the
chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming
that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per
household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do
what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

This means that Father Christmas's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per
second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per
hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Father Christmas,
who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with
eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the actual Queen). Think of
the weight on your roof!

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Father Christmas, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Father Christmas (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Father Christmas ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[A friend sent this to me... quite funny]

Wayne
Coolant "The Cold"

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Post by korexus » Sun Apr 18, 2004 10:58 am

Coolant, you missed one key point in this:

(Well, two actually)

Firstly maybe this "unknown" species of reindeer is very strong, slim and fire retardant.

Secondly, as any good physicist can tell you, you forgot to include Einstien's theory of Relativity. What actually happens is that Santa travels so fast between households that he approaches the speed of light. This has the bonus effect of significantly slowing down his passage through time, allowing him to deliver all the presents and still get home to Mrs Claus in time for his cup of cocoa.

Thankyou 'my parents are aliens'. Who says watching kid's TV is a waste of time?!! :wink:


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With Great Power comes Great Irritability

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Donut
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Post by Donut » Sun Apr 18, 2004 3:28 pm

Hmmmm.... His age also slows down, which would explain why he's still alive...

Lets not ever bring up Relativity again please; way too many, long, pointless conversations on "What if's..." Kinda fun when theres reallly nothing else to do, or when your slightly inebriated, but not here in WOK.

Donut
The scars remind us that the past is real.

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Saladin
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Post by Saladin » Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:12 pm

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d* ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
"Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily be explained away by stupidity."

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."

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Post by ThinKing » Wed Apr 21, 2004 3:32 pm

Ha ha ha!!!

Good one Sal. 8)


Edit:

Except that I think I may have busted you...!

www.kontraband.com

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Egbert
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Post by Egbert » Thu Apr 29, 2004 3:14 pm

"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Duke
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Post by Duke » Fri May 07, 2004 11:21 am

My new keyboard.


Image
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by Undertaker » Mon May 10, 2004 1:10 am

"That's a good question. Let me see...In my case, you know, I hate to advocate drugs or liquor, violence, insanity to anyone. But in my case it's worked." Hunter S. Thompson

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Post by Mullog » Sat May 29, 2004 8:38 am

Tales of Future Past!
http://www.davidszondy.com/future/futurepast.htm

Just check it out! Its about peoples visions of the future, back in the early 1900's. I would really like one of the kitchen computers... One of those would really save my kitchen! :D
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

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Post by gm_al » Tue Jun 15, 2004 11:18 am

The Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules From the male side.

These are our rules:-

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. B r e a s t s are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no Idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as S e x, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

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