The Jokes thread

Everything non-WOK related should go in here.

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Duke
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Post by Duke » Thu Apr 24, 2003 5:43 am

gm_al wrote:Now read about the 'THONG THIEF' !

(Not you or MIA-Count-Henri by mistake, Dukieboy...?) :?: :lol:



CH is Party Boy from Jackass. I went over this with him and he has come clean about it. However, Thong Thief might be another Alter Ego of his.

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Post by Duke » Fri Apr 25, 2003 11:50 am

Here's a sweet place to visit:

www.vgmuseum.com

Aaaah, the memories.

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Post by Undertaker » Fri May 02, 2003 2:54 am

Q: What do Little Miss Muffet and Saddam have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their way.

Q: What is Iraqs' national bird?
A: Duck

Q: Why is it twice as easy to train a Iraqi fighter pilots as American pilots?
A: They only have to learn to take off.
"That's a good question. Let me see...In my case, you know, I hate to advocate drugs or liquor, violence, insanity to anyone. But in my case it's worked." Hunter S. Thompson

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Post by Undertaker » Fri May 02, 2003 7:42 pm

"That's a good question. Let me see...In my case, you know, I hate to advocate drugs or liquor, violence, insanity to anyone. But in my case it's worked." Hunter S. Thompson

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trewqh
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Post by trewqh » Mon May 05, 2003 8:42 pm

<--- Just look at my new avatar :lol:

I think I could join the family that Undertaker introduced us to.

trewqh

ps I think it's almost as good as Al's 'The incredible face expression of Al Bundy' avatar.

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Post by Goat Herder » Wed May 14, 2003 4:17 am

This is obviously something that most of you would already be aware of, but I feel it is worth explaining practical terms for the uninitiated.....


*********************************************************
Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Live long and prosper ---- but don't let the Taxation Department know.

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Post by Duke » Fri May 23, 2003 11:51 am

Check this one out. You are in for a treat!! :lol:

http://www.toccionline.com/creations/realhussein/default.asp

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Post by Lord Fredo » Fri May 23, 2003 8:04 pm

:lol: LOL@Duke

Absolutely hilarious. Nice one D.

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Post by xero_786 » Tue May 27, 2003 11:31 am

Hey guys I got one


A punk was geting on to a bus. He had a blue, red, and yellow mohican, several earings as well as many tattoos and a nose-piercing. He was wearing the usual garb the leather jacket and the jeans and boots. Everyone on the bus stared at him for a while but looked away. One old man still stared at him for a long time.
The kid then confronted him "Whats the matter? aint you done nothing like this is your life????"
The old man replies without missing a beat "Yea when I was young and in the navy, I got drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you was my son"
Men are defeated but out of them the Warriors rise to fight again

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Post by Bjorn » Fri Jun 06, 2003 5:06 pm

Ah yes, here is what the webslinger really means to say.

http://www.localhost.nl/bmcontrol/next
"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing" - Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Post by Brykovian » Thu Jun 12, 2003 1:26 pm

Saw this one on a game programmer's forum ...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted Last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Matt Worden Games ... Gem Raider, DareBase, Castle Danger, Keeps & Moats Chess

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Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

Post by Duke » Wed Sep 03, 2003 7:14 am

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by Duke » Wed Sep 03, 2003 7:19 am

I posted this before I read it and I think I like Korea or Afganistan best.

Ethiopia was on the brink of really bad taste and way beyond the line of bad taste.

Just for the record, I am not racist. This is a jokes thread.
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by Duke » Wed Sep 03, 2003 7:20 am

Oh, and I almost forgot, dont mention the war.
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by gm_al » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:28 am

No jokes long time ! :P

1.- How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One hundred. One to change the bulb and ninety-nine to say, "I could have done it."


2.- How many surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish. (a fist. You understand, don’t you?)


3.- How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, and there’s nothing funny about it.


4.- How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just declare darkness the new standard.


5.- How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to be changed.

Alternate version:

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

What do you think?


6.- How many video editors does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can change it for you, but it’s not gonna look any better.


7.- How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to drink until the room spins.


8.- How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. The trick is getting them in there.


9.- And how many cats?

Wait. Wait a minute! This was a foolish question. Do you think that cats, having an excellent night vision are gonna waste their time in those things.


10.- How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but it can take to her about ten years. Twenty years if a second blonde is giving her opinion. Thirty years if they are three, and so on.

:P :P :P

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum .

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

:P

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Post by gm_al » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:35 am

Of course the best part was the lawyer, the irishmen and the psychatrists, no ? :P

Here is one you will laugh your a** off. TWO MONKEYS !! (nothing for kids, beware)

See what you can do with your hands:

http://www.manzonderkop.be/Post/?P_ID=651

Incredible stuff. :D

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Post by Saladin » Wed Oct 15, 2003 9:53 am

The Pope died and like all good Christians he went to Heaven and knocked on the pearly gates. Peter opened up and asked who was calling. "I'm the Pope," said the Pope.

Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. "There's someone here who says he's the Pope, do you know him?"

"No, never heard of him. Send him to hell," says Jesus.

"That's not right," protests the Pope. "I demand you ring God himself."

So Peter rang God and said: "We've got someone who says he's the Pope. Do you know him?"

God answered, "No. Never heard of him. Send him to hell."

"Then I demand you ring the Holy Spirit," said the Pope.

Peter rang and said: "I have someone here claiming to be the Pope. Do you know him?"

"Yes," said the Holy Spirit. "He's the one who told everyone I got Maria
pregnant. Send him to hell."

:twisted:
"Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily be explained away by stupidity."

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."

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Post by Bjorn » Wed Oct 15, 2003 12:56 pm

After a long life, the pope came to the end of his life and approached the pearly gates. Saint Peter was there to greet him and thank him for his many years of faithful service.

Saint Peter gave him the grand tour of heaven. As they toured heaven they came upon neat rows of cottages in a pleasant valley. The pope inquired "Who lives there." Saint Peter replied that this was the valley of the former popes and his cottage was waiting. After showing him his new abode, they continued their tour.

They came upon a great estate, complete with a mansion and manicured landscaping. The pope asked "Who lives there", to which Saint Peter replied "The lawyer".

The pope was dumfounded. "You mean the popes are destined to reside in small cottages, while a lawyer's abode for all eternity is such a grand estate?"

Saint Peter replied, "Well, we have lots of former popes here. We only have one lawyer."
"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing" - Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Post by gm_al » Wed Oct 15, 2003 1:03 pm

Hey Eg, did you notice ? We have LAWYER'S WEEK here in the jokes thread !!

:screamer:

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