The Jokes thread

Everything non-WOK related should go in here.

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SmashFace
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Post by SmashFace » Fri Feb 14, 2003 2:01 pm

Sal, that is in the issue i have, quite a funny issue, you like the article about teachers using janitor as example. Or the michael jackson one is quite funny. :lol:
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Post by SmashFace » Sun Feb 23, 2003 4:12 am

Another site i find entertaining :)
http://maddox.xmission.com/irule2.html
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Post by gm_al » Thu Feb 27, 2003 8:46 am

Anyone seen that hillarious new site

http://ready.gov

where the US government gives advice on how to act when terrorist attacks occur ? Watch the pics they have, a mixture between 'Fight Club' icons (from the plane) and those movies they had in the 50's !
Of course there are lots of jokes about those pics, here is one helluva (forum) site to check:

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comment ... ink=447490

WARNING! The site contains very explicit pics and readings.... might be a little too much for some of you, so remember that this is the JOKE thread.
Long loading times too, but worth it.

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Post by SmashFace » Fri Mar 07, 2003 8:33 pm

Go to this site, and click Tanuk Tanuk Tan, some of you will be unamused, but the vast majority will find this VERY entertaining. http://www.no-nothingrock.com/articles/daler/
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Post by Ecrivian » Fri Mar 07, 2003 11:37 pm

uh. yeah it'd be really funny if i knew what the bloody fool was saying!

not amused
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Post by Undertaker » Sun Mar 09, 2003 12:46 am


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Post by Ecrivian » Sun Mar 09, 2003 1:26 am

UT, the first link, I've seen before, but always good for a laugh.

For some reason the second link didn't work.

Ec
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Post by korexus » Sun Mar 09, 2003 2:38 pm

Ecrivian wrote:For some reason the second link didn't work.

Ec


The site appears to have moved. If you just go to
http://home.rochester.rr.com/ebaumswebworld

then you should get forwarded to the site automatically. And I presume you can find Undertaker's page from there. I didn't really look round much...

Incase the forwarding doesn't work either, the site is now,
http://ebaumsworld.com

Enjoy,

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Post by Strider » Tue Mar 18, 2003 1:15 am

My friend sent me this joke today. It's so funny because it's so true:

Bridge To Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and
out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp,
blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and
I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can
forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man
sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly
and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think
of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever
reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much
steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good
wish. Finally,he said, "I've been married and divorced
four times. My wives always said that I don't care and
that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand
women....know how they feel inside and what they're
thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know
why they're crying, know what they really want when
they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Never laugh at live dragons...

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Post by SmashFace » Thu Apr 03, 2003 5:35 pm

IRISH DECLARE WAR ON SADDAM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"


Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"


Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
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Post by SmashFace » Thu Apr 03, 2003 5:52 pm

Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said: "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.

Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?" The civil servant called to his dog and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
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Post by Bjorn » Fri Apr 04, 2003 6:57 pm

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary for 2003:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing" - Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Post by gm_al » Sat Apr 05, 2003 10:49 am

Brilliant Bjorn ! :P

Hillarious stuff, worth printing out for the office.... thx again ! :wink:

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Post by SmashFace » Wed Apr 16, 2003 7:50 pm

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Post by Duke » Wed Apr 23, 2003 11:52 am

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing
the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to
war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named
'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"

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Post by gm_al » Wed Apr 23, 2003 12:40 pm

LOL Dukieboy :P

Reminds me of the joke:

WHAT IS HEAVEN ?
A French lover.
Serving Italian food.
In a German car.
Chased by English police.

WHAT IS HELL ?
An Italian lover.
Serving English food.
In a French car.
Chased by German police.

:lol:

And here is a link for all you hard-working folx where you can see our company 'at work' (requires flash plugin for your browser):

http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/office.swf

Enjoy :P

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Post by Duke » Wed Apr 23, 2003 1:37 pm

The best thing was the error message when it was all over. "This page sucks and cannot be displayed" lol

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Post by gm_al » Wed Apr 23, 2003 2:23 pm

Now read about the 'THONG THIEF' !

(Not you or MIA-Count-Henri by mistake, Dukieboy...?) :?: :lol:


Make sure to read the full story, gotta make you wonder sometimes.....

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/doc_o_day/thongthief1.html

Check that final number they found. :roll:


And here, also from THE SMOKING GUN, the 'Arrest Images' of celebrities !

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/index.html

:P

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