The Jokes thread

Everything non-WOK related should go in here.

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Validon
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Post by Validon » Tue Jun 15, 2004 12:04 pm

Ha! That pretty much says it all Al. Where is my wife at, maybe she could learn something here. Or maybe I would just be sleeping on the couch for making her read it.
But I have a very comfortable couch and I actually like to sleep on it sometimes. (Just don't tell her that.)

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Duke
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Post by Duke » Wed Jul 07, 2004 1:51 pm

Stupid facts:

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver".

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins
without being able to make change for a dollar.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I'm on 5 years and 11 days. Almost there...)

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

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Post by Donut » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:54 pm

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.


LIE!!!! Thats a LIE!!!! Don't you get the Discovery Channel. They proved that a duck's quack does echo... you just hear it as part of it's normal quack. Hard to explain, but watch Mythbusters.

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Allister Fiend
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Post by Allister Fiend » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:13 pm


watch Mythbusters.

Donut


Yeah Duke, tonight they have a special on "Why Hotmail Fails in sending e-mails".

Special guest will be Donut of WoK.
Oh no!!! I'm out of those important papers.......

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Post by Donut » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:29 pm

Nah... they cancelled me. I pushed my blame from Hotmail to Outlook Express... they didn't want me to ruin the suprise.

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Post by Duke » Thu Jul 08, 2004 5:51 am

lol!!

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Lord Fredo
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Post by Lord Fredo » Thu Jul 08, 2004 9:04 am

lol :D Funny people all around.

Duke wrote:The Bible has been translated into Klingon.


And for those of you who have been waiting.

http://www.tlg.uci.edu/~opoudjis/Klingon/mark.new.html

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Post by Duke » Fri Aug 20, 2004 6:50 am

Teenage daughters,

A father was looking for his daughter and found a note on her bed. With anxiaty he red the note.

Dear mom and dad,

I am very sorry that I have to tell you this but I have left you with my new boyfriend.

I have found true love and he is wonderful - especially his cute piercings, scars, nice tatoos and his big motorcycle! Also, me and Ahmed will have a lovechild. I am already 4 months along and we will be very happy in his trailer out in the woods. He says he already wants more children with me.

I have understood that marijuana isnt as dangerous as the goverment says. Actually it is the other way around since it is used within the hospital care system. We grow it on the south side of the trailer and we give some to our friends. They are so nice since even though we give it to them they bring us free ecstasy and other unmarked pills in return.

We also hope that medical research soon finds a cure for Ahmeds AIDS so he can get well. He really deserves it.

You dont have to be concerned about our fincancial status. Ahmeds friends, Mr Andrei and Mr Stanislav are in the moviemaking business and has set up a deal so that I can become an actor! The money is appearently very good. I get 50 USD per take and another 50 USD if more then three men is involved and another 100 if there are animals present (which is great since I love animals, remember?)

Dont worry mom, I know you only want what is best for me but I am 15 years old now and I can take care of myself.

I will come see you sometime so that you can say hi to your grandchildren.

With love,

Emma

P.S.

Dad, none of this was true. I am over at Sandras watching TV. I just wanted to bring your attention to the fact that there are more important things in the world then, as you put it:
SWEDEN LOOSING ON FRIGGING PENALTYKICKS!!!

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Post by Donut » Mon Aug 23, 2004 2:24 am

Thought this was appropriate...

http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/14240/

I kept waiting for one of these guys to dish it...

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Post by Donut » Mon Aug 23, 2004 2:27 am

OMG... I JUST READ DUKE'S JOKE

WAAAAYYYY TOO FUNNY


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Post by Egbert » Mon Nov 21, 2005 3:15 pm

Cow Politics


DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
....... So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and yet produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold only likes the ones with the big udders.
"Fairy tales can come true,
They can happen to you,
If you're young at heart."

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Duke
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Post by Duke » Mon Nov 21, 2005 8:13 pm

lol @ the Californan Corporation

:lol:
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Post by Duke » Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:08 pm

First one here, last one to leave.

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Lord Fredo
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Post by Lord Fredo » Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:49 pm

A dead link? Is this your idea of a joke ...? :wink:

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Post by Donut » Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:32 am

It wasn't dead a day ago :P

It was of some Marines jumping out of their boat onto a beach and getting stuck knee high in sand and/or mud.
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Duke
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Post by Duke » Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:01 am

Lord Fredo wrote:A dead link? Is this your idea of a joke ...? :wink:


Actually a dead link is funnier then the actual clip. :)
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Duke
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Post by Duke » Fri Nov 25, 2005 7:03 pm

Now what is up with everyone picking Aussieland for everything?

http://www.holylemon.com/AwfulGeography.html
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Lord Fredo
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Post by Lord Fredo » Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:46 pm

That was fun. I forgot to comment on it before but I have to say that your new picture of Ron Jeremy of all people is truely great.

PS I've never seen the guy before I've only heard of him from a guy who knows a guy ... :lol: DS

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Post by korexus » Sun Jan 08, 2006 4:10 pm

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, so
the security level has just been raised from "Miffed"to "Peeved".
Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross".

Londoners haven't been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to "A bloody nuisance"; the last time a "Bloody
nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in
1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert,
the Italians have increased their alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
arrogance" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have
two higher levels, "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone
from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich Nation in the Middle
East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states
are "Attack the world" and "Beg the British for help".

Finally then there are the Australian security levels:

1. Normal: "Piss off, I'm watching the footy"; 2. Elevated: "No
overseas sporting teams are touring Australia, there must be
something going on out there" 3. Alarmed: "What? Did someone say
there's a fight on!" And the highest Aussie level of security Alert:
"I don't give a poop what it's about - if the Yanks are in, then
we're not going to miss out!"........

The Kiwis are still too busy chasing their sheep to notice
anything's amiss.
With Great Power comes Great Irritability

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Post by Duke » Mon Jan 09, 2006 2:14 pm

Best one yet on this thread!!!!
First one here, last one to leave.

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