The NEW Jokes Thread

Everything non-WOK related should go in here.

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The NEW Jokes Thread

Post by Vortan » Thu Jun 21, 2007 10:18 pm

Well, blame korexus for this - he said 'start a new jokes thread' to all in general and no one has so I thought I would 'do the deed' but due to a lack of quality NEW jokes I choose to start us off with probably some of the OLDEST and SILLIEST jokes in the world EVER!

Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

A. To see his flat mate. :roll:


Q. A red house is made of red bricks, a blue house is made of blue bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, so what is a green house made of?

A. No, not green bricks - its glass silly :roll:


Q. How do you hide an elephant?

A. Paint the underside of his feet yellow and float him upside down in a bowl of custard. :?


Q. How else can you hide an elephant?

A. Paint his toe nails red and hide him up a cherry tree. :shock:



ARGHH! I hear you cry. Enough? Well okay but look, if you lot don't come up with some better material, and fairly quickly, I will post more of the same. And that is not a threat it's a PROMISE :twisted:
Now WHY did it do THAT!

If at first you don't succeed - give up and have a coffee!

Yes I am on the transplant list for a new sense of humour!

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Post by Vortan » Fri Jun 22, 2007 7:39 am

A professor, a businessman and a not so bright gambler are aboard a plane at 20,000 feet when its twin engines catch fire simultaneously. They search frantically for parachutes but find only one. The gambler suggests drawing straws for it and the others agree.

They quickly draw straws and the gambler wins. He puts on the parachute and jumps from the plane, pulls the rip cord and his chute opens successfully. He starts floating towards the ground.

The professor does some quick calculations and estimates that the chances of surviving the crash would be much worse than if they jumped now and tried to steer themselves towards water. The businessman agrees and the two of them jump clear of the plane and begin to speed downwards.

Meanwhile the gambler if still floating earthward when *whoosh* the professor hurtles past screaming. Moments later the business man is hurtling past and the gambler hears him shout "I bet I get down before you!"

Well, that was like a red rag to a bull. The gambler struggles momentarily with his harness and suddenly falls free from the parachute. He makes himself as aerodynamic as possible and plunges downwards.

As he accelerates past the business who is looking stunned he shouts across "and I bet you don't!"
Now WHY did it do THAT!

If at first you don't succeed - give up and have a coffee!

Yes I am on the transplant list for a new sense of humour!

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Post by korexus » Fri Jun 22, 2007 8:16 am

A couple from my year 7s. Not sure how well this will translate to other countries, but here goes...

What do you say to a chav in a box?

init


What do you say to a chav in a locked box?

safe init



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Post by Aussie Gaz » Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:01 pm

Q: Why did the police officer wake the child.

A: He heard there had been a kidnapping.

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Post by Lardmaster » Sun Jun 24, 2007 1:53 pm

*Hangs self*
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Post by Vortan » Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:12 pm

:lol:

LM: Now that's funny
Now WHY did it do THAT!

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Yes I am on the transplant list for a new sense of humour!

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Post by Yondallus » Sun Jun 24, 2007 6:04 pm

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Last edited by Yondallus on Sun Jun 24, 2007 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Vortan » Sun Jun 24, 2007 6:20 pm

Amusing BUT there are children on this site. So tone it down please.
Now WHY did it do THAT!

If at first you don't succeed - give up and have a coffee!

Yes I am on the transplant list for a new sense of humour!

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Post by Yondallus » Sun Jun 24, 2007 7:09 pm

I've edited it to a 'clean' one ;)
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Post by Vortan » Sun Jun 24, 2007 7:40 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I just got in trouble for laughing out loud when TheDragon and Dragonette are trying to watch TV - Nice one Yondallus - Nice one!
Now WHY did it do THAT!

If at first you don't succeed - give up and have a coffee!

Yes I am on the transplant list for a new sense of humour!

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Post by Saladin » Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:15 pm

(Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonalds serves beer.)

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food!?"
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Post by Saladin » Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:18 pm

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
"Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily be explained away by stupidity."

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."

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Post by Lardmaster » Sun Jun 24, 2007 10:42 pm

No wonder there are no famous non Britsh European comedians. BTW Sal it's spelt Vice.
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Post by Saladin » Sun Jun 24, 2007 11:27 pm

Hey i just copy paste. I have no mind for jokes. :D
"Never attribute to malice what can satisfactorily be explained away by stupidity."

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves."

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Post by Aussie Gaz » Thu Jun 28, 2007 2:35 pm

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front
of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had
me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies
and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up
for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals, I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a ******* liar. He never did any of that poop."

MODERATOR EDIT: Sorry AG, took a no-no word away. /Duke

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Post by Duke » Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:35 pm

A mother gets on a bus with her 3 year old son. She pays the driver who looks at the kid and says "Hey lady, we dont allow monkeys on the bus"

Shocked by the incredible rudeness of the driver the mother finds her way to the back of the bus and sits down besides a man. He notices that she is upset and asks her "Mrs, is there something bothering you?"

She replies "It certainly is! That rude busdriver told me that my son looks like a monkey"

The man replies. "Now that is outrageous! I hope you told him off."

"Well, no. I was so shocked by his comment", she answers.

The man says "Now, you go up there and speak you mind while I watch your monkey for you"
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by Duke » Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:43 pm

Prolog: To understand this joke you need to know that fishing for lobster is only allowed during certain weeks in sweden.

The joke:

An old man had cought two huge lobsters some weeks before the official season. Happy he is on his way home when he runs into the local policeman.

Policeman: "Is that lobster in that bucket?"

Old man: "Well yes"

P: "Then I will have to confiscate them as evidence since it isnt season for fishing lobster"

O: "But I am not fishing lobster. These are trained lobsters that help me catch bass"

P: "Eeerrr what? How?"

O: "Well, I whisper to them what type of fish I want and send them out and they come back with one fish in each claw"

P: "You must take me for a idiot. Ok, show me your amazing lobsters then"

The old man whispers to the lobsters in the bucket and then releases them out in the sea. Side by side the two men watch the lobster vanish into the dark depts.

P: "See. They didnt come back. Just admit you just caught those lobsters"

The old man turns to the policeman with a look of surprice and says "What lobsters???"
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Post by Duke » Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:50 pm

At the office Tbert gets a phonecall from his blond wife.

Wife: Nate, please come home. I have bought a jigsawpuzzle and I have all the pieces on the table and not a single on fits

T-Dog: A jigsawpuzzle? Ah well, how many pieces are there then?

W: Must be several hundreds at least.

T: Dont you have the box? What is it suppoused to turn into?

W: Yes I have the box right here. It'll become a rooster

T: Ok, well, I'll help you out after work

Later, Tbert drives his Hummer home and goes into the kitchen. His wife says "You must help me with this. I have tried all day"

Tbert sighs heavily and then says "Honey. Go watch some TV while I put all the cornflakes back into the box.

8)
First one here, last one to leave.

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Post by Mullog » Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:53 pm

Its not really a joke, but still funny.
Look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su68w4QZinM&eurl=

Crazy people...
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Post by Lord Fredo » Sun Jul 01, 2007 8:32 pm

I don't know ... that's just weird. I wonder there is a background to that clip or if it's just supposed to be really strange.

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